My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
