Can Purell be used as lube?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
