your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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