dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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