Porn is love you can see.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
