we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
