I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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