Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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