I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
