Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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