i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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