I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
