Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
