he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
