I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
