Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
