did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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