a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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