My friends, they love my intelligence
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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