There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
