her vagina looked like bernie madoff
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
