oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
