I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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