i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
