i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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