happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
