She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
