I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
