Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
