RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
