just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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