I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
