so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
These tits shall not be calmed
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
