If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
