I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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