I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
