I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
