By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
