You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
