The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
