My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
