i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
