when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
