yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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