4 words: hood of his car
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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