Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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