Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
