It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
