Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
