I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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