Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
