I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
