He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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