saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have feelings that need drinking.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
